Limits And Norms, From Fear Or From Love?
Establishing limits and norms is part of the obligations of fathers and mothers regarding the upbringing of their children. However, the way we implant them makes the difference: do we implant them from fear or from love?
Well, when we impose clear and healthy limits and rules on children, we do not settle for authoritarian parents who annul, repress or deny the freedom and capacities of our children, but, on the contrary, we cement security and education to build the best possible future.
In this way, a confident and firm personality is forged, capable of going through the difficulties of daily life with great tranquility with high self-esteem and full confidence in their abilities and skills, but, fundamentally, with a full awareness of “how far to go without causing conflicts ”.
Ultimately, implementing limits and norms would entail benefits related to the emotional stability of the infant, who will feel loved and valued by his parents. For this reason, it will be convenient mainly to ask ourselves if we should impart them from love or from fear.
Child limits and norms: Benefits
Although children resist and disapprove of the implementation of limits and norms with the ultimate goal of self-affirming their own personality, it is not a bad thing to establish them, nor does it harm them to respect and comply with them. Arm yourself with patience and insist firmly since they will end up recognizing them.
This is because the limits and rules give the child order and security, conforming without more to a kind of guide of what they should do, as well as what is strictly prohibited to avoid problems and promote a good and harmonious coexistence, so necessary for their personal development.
For this reason, there is talk of establishing limits and norms from love, with what is called “loving firmness”, and not imparting fear and awakening fear. Through this path, you will be able to carry out your role as a mother with the necessary authority but in a healthy, constant and more patient way.
The classic paternal formula “because I said so” or “this is so and that’s it” is not an excuse or sufficient explanation, the child does not reach a deep understanding of the reasons why he cannot do certain actions, he does not understand effects and consequences. Nothing better than to provide them with the appropriate whys.
Parents of limits and norms with love and without fear
The establishment of limits and norms became for several years the concern of parents and educators, who have been trying for years to figure out how to set them without being authoritarian and avoiding being so “soft” as to fall into excessive permissiveness.
Unfortunately, the words discipline and limits refer us to wrongly negative thoughts and emotions since they have been used for a long time in a dictatorial way : limits were equivalent to a restriction or prohibition, discipline referred to authoritarian rigidity.
However, the urgent need to establish clear and coherent limits and rules has been demonstrated, since it is very little beneficial to tell everything the child wants yes, including those actions that go against their health and well-being.
Well, do not worry if from time to time you must say “NO” to your child, refusing to consent to him by engaging in a practice that is harmful or harmful to him. Deep down, even if you dislike this situation, the child will feel loved and protected. In turn, that love you experience will help you gain some self-control.
Then, the implementation of limits and norms is necessary for the development of every creature, passing the center of the debate in a mere matter of forms, so we must bet on affection and not on cruelty and rigor as a method.
Consequently, the question that both parents and educators should ask themselves would be none other than Do we really know how to establish limits and norms capable of promoting children’s self-esteem, emotional stability and autonomy? .
How to establish “references” from love?
On the one hand, we are terrified of losing authority, spoiling them or that our son gets sick and we fall into unhappy propositions such as “do everything I tell you or I’ll hit you”, “I let him cry so he doesn’t get a bad habit” that I served you ”.
On the contrary, to avoid hurting, frustrating or disappointing him, we avoid setting fundamental limits, and here are phrases as unwanted as the previous ones: “let him do what he wants if he does not get angry”, “give him more candy if he does not cry”, “I do not tell him ‘ not ‘for fear that he does not love me more ”.
However, experts in the field point out that it is preferable, when establishing limits and norms, to support motivation in love before laying its foundations in fear. Some specialists then prefer to speak of “references” instead of limits or norms.
In what everyone agrees is that children need during their upbringing to receive clear references from their parents, who must necessarily set them in love and not in terror, through explanations and not through impositions, in pursuit of their well-being and not from our comfort.
Fear Vs. Love
The thoughts that generate the imposition of limits and norms from fear are the fear that the health of the minor generates, the authority of the mother figure, a rebellious and responsive child personality, the suffering or frustration of the child, being a bad mother, the boy’s upbringing, what they will say, etc.
On the opposite side of the road, the feelings experienced by mothers with a motivation to offer referrals from love are more pleasant. In this case, mothers have greater flexibility and greater acceptance of error.
Regarding the messages that the boy receives when limits and norms are imparted from fear, it is that of an authoritarian mother without the ability to listen to the needs and demands of her son, who consequently experiences sadness, anger and boredom.
Now, what does a child interpret when references are given from love? The child feels that he is valued and considered by the mother, he feels loved and protected, in addition to being listened to. In turn, this affective attitude generates happiness and intensifies the mother-child bond.
