How To Negotiate With Your Children According To Their Age
Your child is likely to cry or protest more than you want, or to engage in inappropriate behaviors such as hitting another child or not wanting to lend his toys. Calm down! All conflicts have a solution ; you can always negotiate.
The psychologist Rosa Jove, author of books such as Sleeping Without Tears, Happy Parenting and Neither Tantrums nor Conflicts, explains that when a child is angry or irritable, they only seek to satisfy their unmet needs.
“These tantrums are the child’s own ideas faced with the wishes of his parents: He does not understand what is happening, he becomes confused and emotionally explodes,” says the expert, who recommends that parents understand the child in the first place.
And reassure yourself: Know that as your child grows older, tantrums pass ; However, family conflicts continue to be part of living together, and it is with these situations that he must learn to deal with.
Regardless of age, explains Jove , parents should see conflict as a learning opportunity, since they are an essential part of their growth.
In her books, the mother of two, also offers advice on how to overcome tantrums, conflicts and behavior problems. Here is a summary.
Stage of misunderstood ideas
It is a stage that occurs between 0 and 20 months of age, and can manifest itself, for example, when the baby is bothered by the diaper, which communicates with the only language it has: crying and complaining.
It is difficult to know why a baby cries, reasons Jove, who invites him to find out, trying to see what happens. The most frequent causes are usually physiological : hunger, sleepiness, dirty diaper, some discomfort with clothes, an itch.
If not, he suggests that you stay with the child. He also recommends giving the mother’s breast.
“ Breastfeeding is a unique pain reliever for the child in this period. Besides solving hunger, he fulfills the need for contact with his mother ”.
The terrible 2 years, hard to negotiate
In most psychology books there is a chapter entitled: “The age of no”, “The terrible 2 years”, “The age of tantrums”; for being at that age when tantrums usually appear.
These usually stop before the age of 5, and begin because the child is beginning to experience independence.
“The only problem is that this implies an important emotional conflict for the children because, as the parents do not understand what is happening and usually get upset with them, they notice that they are facing the beings they love the most and this causes them an ambivalence of feelings ”, conceptualizes the child psychologist.
Jove in one of the chapters of his book, Happy Parenting, summarizes what to do:
In the event of a tantrum, apply the three-step technique: First, understand the child; second, educate him and explain what is expected of him, and third, let him choose his own solutions.
Here is a dialogue that exemplifies the three-step technique:
– Mom: Honey, Aunt Marta arrived. Come give him a kiss.
– Child: I don’t want to.
-Mom: Oh, it seems you don’t want to kiss Aunt Marta. (Step # 1, understanding: we acknowledge your feelings).
-Child: Yes.
-Mom: When people visit someone else’s house, they are welcomed, even if they don’t really want to, did you know? (Step 2, education: we explain what is expected of him or what happens).
-Child: No. (And if he says yes, it’s the same).
-Mom: What can we do to make Aunt Marta feel good without your kiss? (Step 3, we let him choose an option. We can also give him two of us and let him choose).
-Mom, how do we solve it? So are we going to give Aunt Marta a welcome kiss or do you throw one at her from the door while saying: Hello?
-Boy: I’ll say hello and I’ll give you a kiss.
-Mom: I think you found a good solution.
From 5 years onwards
From 5 years of age on, coexistence problems arise, which are normal and unavoidable in all families.
To deal with them, he advises, it is better to follow democratic guidelines in the family, in which everyone can participate and feel heard. To solve problems in the short term, it is best to follow the three-step technique.
